The end of a marriage can be a highly emotional time for the separating couple. But it also has a huge impact on children. No matter how amicable the separation, the moment you tell your kids will stay with them. How you tell them matters just as much as what you say. But by taking a thoughtful, compassionate approach, you can guide them through this moment and help them feel safe even in the middle of this huge change. 

Timing shapes how children receive difficult news. Pick a moment when your home feels calm and your children are not rushing off to school or heading to bed. Also, avoid telling them just before a major event, such as a holiday or a birthday.  Find a setting that feels private and familiar, such as your living room or the kitchen table after dinner. Make sure it’s where they feel comfortable and secure.  You don’t have to do this alone, either. If you can, try to plan this conversation with your co-parent. This can be beneficial because they will see both parents deliver a consistent, united message. Sit together and let them know that this decision was made thoughtfully. Don’t place blame or let conflict spill into the conversation. If you can’t do this with your ex, it’s worth having someone you trust who the children know, such as their grandparent or an aunt or uncle. This should be someone who you’re close to who you’ve trusted with the news of your breakup. 

Children need to understand what’s happening, but this should be in language they understand. You might protect them from the legal side of things, but you will need to explain the separation to them. For younger children, avoid abstract concepts like “we fell out of love” or emotional language they can’t unpack. For older children or teenagers, it’s okay to acknowledge that this is a serious decision but be careful not to overshare. Don’t say things like “We stayed together for you” or “This wouldn’t have happened if...” as these can create guilt or confusion. Stick to what affects their daily life: where they’ll live, how often they’ll see each parent and how routines will work. If you don’t have all the answers yet, it’s okay to say so – just promise to keep them informed and follow through. 

You only tell them once, but they’ll process it over time. Some children ask questions immediately, while others stay quiet or act out later. Leave space for silence in the first conversation and encourage them to come back to you with questions. Keep checking in over the days and weeks that follow. Children need to hear again and again that they are loved, safe, and not to blame. Keep routines like meals and bedtime steady where you can as these provide a comforting sense of normalcy. If emotions run high, offer a steady presence rather than instant solutions. Just sitting with them, reading a book, or walking the dog together can speak volumes. 

Keep in mind why you’re having these conversations with your children. Leaving an unhappy marriage can be good for you. In fact, in 2018, the findings of a 16-year-long study in America revealed that a bad marriage can be as unhealthy as smoking. If you and your ex are happier apart, your kids will notice the difference.