When you’re in a relationship, you want to be able to connect with your partner. You want to connect over the big and small things alike. You want to spend time together, you want to talk to them, and you want to feel like you’re loved. You want to feel cared about. That’s where the concept of ‘bidding for connection’ comes in. 

Bids for connection have been around as long as human beings have, but they were first labeled so by John Gottman. Decades of study led him to the theory that successful relationships were ones where partners paid attention to one another. It wasn’t about how in love they claimed to be, or how many shared interests and opinions they had. It was the pure and simple fact that when one person ‘asked’ for attention, the other person gave it to them. But it’s rare for couples to directly ask each other for attention, so what do we mean here?

They can be both vocal and physical, but they can also be small and silent. They might make a comment about something (i.e., ‘Work was a bit rough’ or ‘Wow, it’s really sunny today’). They ask you to do something small for them (i.e., ‘Could you pass me the remote?’)Resting their hand on your arm when you’re sat on the sofa together. They’ve sent you a reel on Instagram that they found funny Some of these may be a bit more obvious such as a direct request, but some are more subtle. When your partner makes a comment about the weather, it might not seem like the kind of thing you need to respond to. However, the fact they said it out loud suggests that they would like some kind of engagement.  And this may not even occur to them! They might just say it out loud because it’s something they’ve noticed. But that doesn’t make it any less of a bid for connection. 

Making bids for connection often relies on the subtlety of being in a relationship. Your partner knows or at least, has a sense of what your connection behaviors are. The things you say, your tone of voice, your physical actions, etc. When you’ve been together for any amount of time, you get used to these things in the person you love. But these connection bids are always a touch too much on the passive side. They’re indirect, and they can be less communicative about what you need than they really should be. Sometimes, you need to go out of your way to be less passive about the bids you put out there. We recommend the Love in Five journal here, as it can help to encourage a more direct way of reaching out to your partner. It’s a very good starting point when you feel like you’re not getting what you need from your relationship.  It asks the two of you to set aside a bit of time and energy for one another - and only in 5 minute intervals too. That’s not a hard thing to ask, no matter how busy or rushed either of you tend to be. But even if you don’t want to use a book like this, you can still find a way to be more honest about the attention you’d like from your partner. 

If you want your partner to pay attention to you, or to something you’re doing or asking them, directly say so. And you don’t have to be demanding here, if that’s what you’re worried about. You don’t have to start ‘nagging’, or make a ‘big deal’ out of something. You’re simply asking for a bit of reciprocation. For example, instead of introducing your bad day at work as a statement, turn it into a simple request - ‘I had a bad day at work, can I talk to you about it?’ There’s nothing naggy about that, and you’ve made it clear that your partner can say yes or no. 

It’s something you can do in big and small ways, and it’s something you can do quietly or directly. It’s up to you! But when you or your partner makes these bids, it’s important to recognize them for what they are.